No one will come and save you from nothing, especially not yourself. And let me tell you, you, like most people, probably need saving from yourself, from your junk thinking and your junk habits. You need saving from your excuses, from your unhealthy obsession with your past, and the reasons you give yourself and others to justify playing small and why you are not going after your dreams. And in case you think people care, people don’t. No one does. Most people couldn’t care less about your problems, or your progress. Most people have their own stuff to worry about. So instead of worrying about what other people think, do or don’t do and getting upset about it, why don’t you start worrying about your life and start living the life you want?
I get it, life throws us a curveball and things are difficult. And we want to tell our friends, family and possibly the world about it. We want everyone to know how hard-done by we are. The world is against us and life isn’t fair. Well guess what? Life isn’t. It never was and never will be. And the sooner you accept this, the better. Of course, there are things and issues that should be talked about; the real problems in our lives so that we can find meaningful ways to tackle them. But most things we talk about are trivial and no one cares. No one cares that Mary had too much sugar in her drink. No one cares that Jim came in late again. No one cares that Karen got the order wrong and instead of a Latte you got a Cappuccino. Guess what? It is the same thing. Sure, one could argue the ratio on frothing is different but at the end of the day it is the same damn thing – a coffee with milk. So get over it because no one wants to hear about it. And if you really care about it and have to make a point, maybe it is time you ask yourself some deeper questions. Do you not have bigger fish to fry than worry about some stupid coffee order that got mixed up?
Those that do care about your ‘little’ problems, care for selfish reasons. Those people like to hear about our ‘misfortune’ because it makes them feel better about their lives and easier for them to complain about the same issues. And, as we all know, misery loves company. Talking about our shitty life gives people permission to talk about their shitty life, instead of doing something about it. Somehow, we love seeing other people’s drama, buying into it and even feeding it, instead of building ourselves up and cheering each other on to be better versions of ourselves. This phenomenon can often be witnessed amongst girls. They like to encourage their friend by way of validating their feelings instead of considering that maybe the girlfriends may have fuelled a situation. Maybe they are the culprit at work and not the colleague. Maybe they overreacted and not their partner. This failure to examine can lead to all sorts of problems and poor advice but they rather be seen as a supportive friend and help to validate how they feel. In a less crucial setting, this can also be observed when a group of girls goes shopping. They rather encourage their friend to wear ill-fitting clothes than tell her the truth that she may want to choose a size larger. Sad really.
If all we do is talk about stuff that is trivial, creates more problems than good, and we don’t action anything (even on our bigger problems), then no one wants to hear about it over and over again. And even those that actually want to help us and suggest a different way forward, can’t actually help us. Because the only person that can truly help you is you and you are standing in your way. No work colleague, no boss, no friend, not even the waitress that got the coffee order wrong is in your way. Only you can help yourself. And if you finally get to a point where you know that it is you, you can get out of the way.
Some of the ‘getting out of the way’ is complex and challenging and some initial assistance may be required. When you know you need to make a change and you don’t know where to start, getting help from someone else and outsourcing to an expert is a good thing. Let’s say you are new to fitness and you don’t know the correct technique to lift weights. Absolutely; you should get a professional to show you how it is done, not only to reap the benefits of hitting the right muscle groups, but to prevent injury. Likewise, if you want to be a piano player, taking lessons would make sense. If you had something going on in your life that holds you back and you want to work through that, getting help is great. But what it comes down to is understanding that you still have to do the work. No amount of helpful suggestions will change anything if you don’t follow them. No amount of sitting in therapy for years on end will help you if you don’t do the work. What counts is what do you do when these people that try to help you are not watching? Will you lift the weight when your coach isn’t yelling at you? Will you eat the healthy food when there are also cookies floating about? Will you follow the instructions your piano teacher gave to you and sit at your keyboard outside those hours you pay for?
At some point, you have to realise when that initial help is becoming more of a crutch. No piano teacher, no psychologist, no healer, no fitness trainer, no one will get you to where you need to go if you are not willing to do the work. And even if you are making great progress, at some point you have to stop relying on others and trust in your own ability to do the things. At some point you have acquired the knowledge of how to lift weight. At some point you have learnt what healthy eating is. At some point you know what keys to hit to make a song come together. At some point you know which tools to use to not get so worked up about it all and you can put things into action. Just knowing things is not enough anymore. Just contemplating things in principle will not get you there. You have to put them into action and you have to do so when no one is watching.
At some point you need to stop relying on other people and start relying on you. Just as much as you have to do the thing when no one is watching. Doing the thing when people are watching, is easy, but will not get you anywhere. What counts is what you do when No One is watching, when No One cheers you one, when No One says “good job”. It is the time when you go for a walk when the weather is crap, when you meditate even though you don’t want to. No one can do the work for you, and no one will. No amount of support can get you there if you don’t do what is required. So, get out of your way and start working. Get support to start if required, but understand that you need to do the work. No one can get you to live the life you want but you.
And finally, let me ask you this: Who are you when no one is watching?