There is a lot that could be written about worthiness and self-worth but there is only so much space and only so much that can be explained with language. None-the-less, we have to talk about it. Whilst there is many angles to look at this topic, the following is how I look at it.
Worthiness is most often sought in places that can never actually truly give us that. We constantly seek it and strive for acceptance by external forces. And it is not really our fault to begin with. From the time when we are little, we are being told that we are either good or bad. We know that if we do something that is pleasant to someone else, we are more likely to be liked and accepted. We know that if we behave well in social settings, and demonstrate good manners, we may receive a reward. We know that if we have achieved something and our parents say that they are proud of us, we are more likely to do the same again, to get the same results. We grow up, striving for approval and acceptance not only from our parents but as we go through the years and different social groups, we also seek the same from friends and other relationships. We don’t want to be excluded now, do we?
We even strive for approval from our parents when we are adults. We hope that by what we are doing we make them proud. Sadly, for some of us, regardless of what we do, our parents will never say out loud that they are proud and we keep doing things we don’t want to whilst feeling unworthy. Likewise, we could be living a life that we absolutely tread because our parents keep saying that they are so proud of what we have achieved. Saying the words “I am proud of you” can be quite complicated and instead of encouraging a person, these words could evoke feelings of stress. A person may absolutely hate the life they are leading but do it so that their parents keep being proud of them. They keep living this life because they think that if they are not doing it, their parents won’t approve of them.
I recently learnt that parents these days often use the language of “you should be proud of yourself” instead of “I am proud of you”, which moves the focus away from validation of the parent and enables the child to validate things for themselves. This way, the child has the ability to assess its success for themselves and understand that it doesn’t matter what the parents think. It encourages a child to seek acceptance and worthiness of themselves by themselves and not be reliant on what the parent has to say about it. This is not an attack on parents, their parenting style, or blaming our parents for our issues with self-worth but understanding that it is complicated and can come from all angles. I also want to stress that generally being proud of someone and communicating that comes from the right place, with the intention of encouraging someone. Unfortunately, it just doesn’t always work that way and can have the opposite effect.
Even if we never had an issue with self-worth or worthiness growing up, we know that if we are agreeable, we can avoid conflict and there is a more pleasant outcome. If we go along with everyone’s idea and not challenge others too much, we are more likely to fit in and have an easier time. But do we? By never speaking up, by always trying to fit in, we effectively never change the status quo and nothing changes. We keep living a life where we depend on external validation to be worthy of something or someone, but then wonder why things don’t work out or we have to keep pushing sh*t uphill. And even worse, we have a midlife crisis every three weeks for years on end and don’t know why.
Seeking worthiness from external variants can be dangerous. Take a workplace for instance. We strive for doing things to please people, to get the gold star performance review, to impress the boss, and we go above and beyond to be seen as the eager, enthusiastic person. Sure, to an extent we get acknowledgement, but at some point, this eagerness turns into expectation. And your manager and colleagues expect you to work late, to go the extra mile every time because you have created this expectation. You have to keep this up when you have already been sprinting on the wheel for weeks. Eagerness/enthusiasm turning into expectation means that you don’t get the pat on the back anymore. And you wonder what else you possibly can do to become that person again and receive the employee of the month award. You start sprinting more when you have nothing else to give just to get that meaningless award. In the process you give yourself away and work yourself into the ground. And what for? For approval that you may never receive. And what happens when you lose your job? A lot of people think they are a failure when they lose their job, but this couldn’t be further from the truth. You may have failed at a job, but you are not a failure. This thinking is a common problem for people who have placed worthiness outside of them and they confuse English grammar where a verb becomes a noun. In essence, what you are really doing is giving away your own power. You enable your employer to hold worthiness hostage over you. Yes, you read correctly: You give your power away by seeking validation from external sources, because you have failed to cultivate it yourself. You may not want to hear this, but the buck does stop with you.
The same goes for intimate relationships and friendships. If you seek validation from your friends, you are more inclined to do things that you don’t want to do. You go along with things that are against your values. You keep saying yes to things that you hate doing. When relationships break down, you feel unworthy of love, of people and ultimately of yourself and your own love. In order to prevent things from breaking down and feel that way, you let people walk all over you, you try to be agreeable, go along with things and be nice. But what does nice even mean? Nice in my world means mediocre, uninteresting, a push-over and someone who just slots in. Nice people don’t upset other people and they are nice to be around, but I don’t ever want to be known or described as nice. Neither should you. If you genuinely agree with someone, then do so, but otherwise stop being so nice. I guess if you need some validation though, you will try to fit in, but sooner or later, the people that you are so scared to lose, will be lost. Either you tire of pretending to be someone you are not, or they see through you. Sooner or later, something has to give. And if it doesn’t, all you do is lead a life where you betray yourself constantly. Let that sink in for a second. If you keep pleasing others by doing things you don’t want to, you betray yourself and your own needs. By avoiding external disagreements, you create internal conflict that eats away at your soul, bit by bit, which eventually leads to you yourself sucking the life out of your soul. You may think it is other people doing that, but really, it is you doing it to yourself.
I say, f*ck the pleasantries (but don’t be an a*se either), let people go, that only like you when you behave a certain way, speak your truth, take your power back, and know that you are worthy of everything you desire. True worthiness means you have to be willing to do the hard work. You have to be willing to resist the temptation to fit in and betray yourself. You have to stop pleasing people, eat junk, read junk, hang out with the people that hold you back, and stop looking outside of you for validation. True worthiness comes from doing the difficult tasks, from teaching yourself that you are worthy of good things in your life. You have to be willing to stand alone and know that even when no one is around and you lose everyone, you still have you. You can rely on you, but you can only get to that point when you do all the hard things and teach yourself that. No amount of parenting can get you there either, you have to learn that for yourself. You have to cultivate that for yourself. You have to do all the things that get you to where you want to go, from doing the work, when you don’t feel like it, to having the hard conversations with your significant other. At the end of the day, only when you are true to who you are, can you live a fulfilling life. And it is never too late to start living and stop existing only.
And I will leave you with this: You are only ever as worthy as you think you are, not what other people think or place on you. If you don’t think you are worthy of a good life, you probably won’t have one and will manifest things into your life that reflect that. But if you think you are worthy of all the good things, then you will do the hard things and do everything possible to make that a reality. So, start seeing your own worthiness because you are so worthy, but it is up to you. Only you can determine that.